He's a very definite person; even in his uncertainty, he is matter of fact. Defined. Settled. Distinct. He never gets mixed up with himself; I am forever tangled. He says it makes me weak; I said he was going to hell.
He said that hell was a three-ring circus, in so many words. He would, I imagine, disapprove of my colorful way of putting it. Such a definite person has more definite ways to put things. Extended metaphors lead to lengthy explanations. They lead to questions. He doesn't like being questioned.
The first ring is for people who worked hard. I didn't ask (he doesn't like being questioned), but I imagine this was his definite way of telling me that there was definitely no heaven. It was obvious that this was his circus sideshow of choice. That anything else was unacceptable. This was his ultimate; but he wouldn't like that word. It leads to questions.
The second ring is for people who hadn't worked. I construed this to be his purgatory. These people could be 'dealt with'. They were 'tolerated'. Handled, at best. He was definite in his apathy. Hard working people didn't waste time pitying those who weren't like them. Hate is such an abstract word.
The third ring, he tells me, is for cheaters. I had almost been definitely sure that this was for me. I would've bet money on it, and I should've known that the very fact that I was gambling at all meant that I was wrong as I ever had been, but I didn't. So in my head, I wagered; being around him made me feel sure. He almost made me feel definite.
Almost.
"Am I a hard worker, a non-worker, or a cheater?"
He hated being questioned. I shut my eyes. I am most definitely a masochist.
"You're a dreamer."
I am most definitely in love with him.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
i ejoyed this, it's really good, although i was a bit confused on what your message was in here, what your trying to say. You have potential, keep on writing. :]
I love this, I'm sorry I can't be constructive but it's just so good! You could maybe add a setting sentence at the beginning, but anything else would ruin it.
I especially love the end!!
I liked the style of the beginning (the first two paragraphs). But I'm glad it left the he said/she said realm shortly thereafter because I don't think I could deal with that for a whole story ^_^
While cute, the last line seems like it should have been a response to the second to last line, but wasn't.
It's nice, all in all, I suppose, but so intangible. I think a setting might be helpful. Not a "He walked into the kitchen, sat down on the bright yellow chair and poured himself a cup of coffee mixing in one teaspoon each of cream and sugar" kind of setting, because too much would ruin the tone set out, but just a sentence here or there, or something to let people know that they're still grounded.
Feel free to PM me if you have any questions ^_^
-Amelia
I don't exactly know what to think of this. While I think it is interesting you move from past tense description, or at least no dialogue, just tleling us what he said then what you siad kind of thing, to sudden dialogue, it is odd, and not in a good way.
While I think this has potential I think you need to look back on what you're trying to say, use less repetition of "definite"; just because it is the theme of your piece doesn't mean you need to use it so often. I think describing him more, his views on the "three ring circus" and where they are, what they're doing, that kind of thing.
I think it is a sweet idea and I particularily like the last line, I think it ends the piece well. Work on it, I'm sure this can be a winner ^.^
*Hearts* Le Penguin.